11 Reasons Why You TOTALLY Shouldn’t Train Martial Arts!

Listen. I get it.

Even though the martial arts can bring extreme joy, massive health improvements, and completely rewrite your future for the better, maybe it isn’t for everyone. In fact, despite the amazing experiences martial art training can bring, maybe we all need to quit working towards the best version of ourselves and just do something else. Like eat ice cream and binge anime.

In fact, I’ve got your back. I’ve already compiled eleven reasons why you shouldn’t take martial arts!

1) Surely I’m too busy

So what if we all have 24 hours in a day? I’m too tired to wake up just thirty minutes earlier so that I can train on my own. Who cares that thirty minutes a day would equate to nearly three-and-a-half hours of training by the end of the week? Screw that, this butt has a date with the couch and a Marvel movie marathon!

2) Money is just waaaaay too tight

Sure, I have money to grab a grande latte from Starbucks everyday but that is only $3.25 each morning. I mean, who cares if saving roughly $3 a day would save $100/month, nearly enough tuition for martial art classes? Coffee and eating out tastes good and is more valuable, martial arts training is only going to make me healthier, more capable, and possibly live a longer life. 

3) Injuries suck

You see, I sprained my wrist real bad, my knee has been acting funky, and I stubbed my toe when I got up for a pee break during the middle of the night. Diagnosis: I can’t train. Like, ever. If I can’t do everything, I can’t do anything. I’m just going to forget about the person I saw training in a wheelchair at the kenpo seminar last year and not worry about the student in my class who kicks butt with two prosthetic feet.

4) I'm looking for a specific style and I just can't find it

Y’know, I did karate when I was sixteen and loved it. Heaven forbid I switch to a new style now that I’m older and can’t find a similar enough school. Who cares about the teacher and how the classes actually run, I know for a fact that I only want to train with school exactly like Miyagi-sensei’s! It would be ridiculous to assume I could learn something new and enjoy learning a new style. Blasphemy!

5) Class is too dang far away

Eh, who cares about the people who used to jump through hoops just to prove their dedication to their training? It’s the modern age, baby! 2021 is about that convenience, I shouldn’t have to suffer a thirty minute drive to get to my training sessions. C’mon, that’s just unreasonable to ask of anybody. I’ll just stay home and spend four hours watching the Snyder Cut of Justice League instead.

6) I’m too out of shape, I think I need to train before I go train

I’m PROUD of my high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes! Ok, but maybe I should do some type of activity to at least prepare for the summer months. Thing is, martial art classes are too hard. I need to lose weight first before I can do something like that. Afterall, martial arts are only a privilege for super-human folks, I’m pretty sure regular people die in those classes. It’s obvious that people who teach respect and humility would be suuuuuper judgy about me and my low tolerance for cardio. They’ve likely never started anything new, I bet they were born with a black belt and their first words as a baby were “Kiai!” and “No mercy!”. 

7) I’m old and need to forget about having fun

These youngins would smoke me if I tried to join them and keep up with their karate craziness! I’ve already had my fun in my younger years, why would I want to do something cool now? I mean, obviously I don’t care about benefits like improved stamina, coordination, balance, range of motion, and brain health. And, uh, let’s just forget about people like Ernestine Shepherd, the woman who ran nine marathons and won two bodybuilding titles even though she didn’t start training her body until she was 56 years old.

8) Eh, I’ve already tried it before

Nope. I tried it once and didn’t like it. I definitely never changed my mind about foods I didn’t like when growing up. Besides, all martial arts are the exact same and teachers are just carbon copies of each other. There’s no difference between studying Taijiquan and BJJ, right? Heck, since I didn’t have much fun studying karate at the rec center when I was six years old, I know I wouldn’t like the Muay Thai gym that hosts teachers from Thailand to teach seminars.

9) I’m a pacifist, I don’t do violence!

I. Don’t. Do. Violence. Or pain or sweat for that matter. I’m just not the type of person who goes around starting fights. Surely, violence is never random and I bet if somebody did just try to break a glass bottle over my cranium, I could just apologize for whatever I did that upset him and he’ll start acting nice again. By the way, my sister doesn’t need to do martial arts either. I mean, girls don’t really do martial arts and they certainly never kick ass all the time.

10) Work has me moving around too much

Y’know, I just don’t want to waste my teacher’s time. The most I would be able to come to class might just be once or twice a month, I know my teacher would just rather have no students instead of a dedicated student who tries to show up when he can. Besides, it’s not like I can practice at home for just five minutes each day to keep my training skills sharp.

11) I TOTALLY know everything already

Man, these chumps don’t know anything about real martial arts! Obviously, I know enough to stay alive. I mean, I’m still living, aren’t I? If anybody tried to hurt me, I would just shoot them, stab them, bounce them off of my beer belly, or insult their honor online. It’s worked thus far!

Huh, you’re still here reading the list? I thought you had better things to do!